I was contacted by a clinical trial organization and really want to go. I figure that if the medication/treatment works, that could save lives. Then, my life would have served a purpose. I sit here, in pain, confusion, alone and lonely and would love to be included in this test. I am going to try and raise some money with this blog, if not, then I won't go.
My family and I have been talking a lot about death and dying lately.
""To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.""
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone
I do not know if that is how I feel about it, but, it is going into the unknown. Even us with faith of an after life, there is still a question of what if??? We have been discussing on how to bury me, with no money and no insurance, there are not many choices. I suppose that really should not be my concern right now, but, I do feel responsible. I guess I will think on that tomorrow, today the sun is out and is to nice to sit around thinking morbid thoughts.
The very worst part of having this virus was in the beginning. I became paranoid, tired beyond tired, confused, lost thoughts, lost words and had this strange color start on my hands and legs.
- Porphyria cutanea tarda (PCT). This skin disorder is characterized by sun sensitivity, fragile skin, blistering and easy bruising. Though it's not clear how HCV is involved, there is a strong association between hepatitis C and the sporadic form of PCT.
- Leukocytoclastic vasculitis. This is an inflammation of small blood vessels, sometimes in the skin, which often leads to small, dark, round lesions. This condition may also be present with essential mixed cryoglobulinemia.
- Lichen planus. This skin condition is characterized by flat-topped, purple-colored itchy bumps on the skin or mucous membranes that can coalesce to form larger plaques. This condition is also associated with many liver diseases, particularly advanced liver disease.
- Necrolytic acral erythema. This condition, first described in Egypt, is rare in the United States. It's an itchy, psoriasis-like skin disease that is completely associated with hepatitis C.
Some days, I am okay with all that is happening in my body and in my mind, other days, a darkness sets in and is very hard to shake. I get tired of hurting, tired of being sick, sick of taking pills, and I hate lactulose!!! I pass through these times, but, sometimes I think that every time I slip into a hole, a tiny piece of me is left behind.
Removing Toxins from the BloodAll of the blood in the body will eventually pass through the liver. This is important because the liver needs to pull out any bad things in the blood, such as toxins, and remove them from the body. Some of these toxins are drugs, like penicillin and Tylenol, and other toxins are things that the body needs but is done with, like damaged cells, proteins and old hormones. The liver prepares all of these types of toxins to be removed from the body. However, when the liver is damaged, these toxins can't be removed and they start to accumulate creating problems.
When I become toxic, I take more lactulose, I do take a daily dose to help my liver. How do I know if I am becoming toxic? For me, I start becoming paranoid, seeing things that aren't real and if I do not take care of the problem immediately, I will actually go into that special place where I hear voices!! When this first began, I was in another state, at a job where the people did not like me and where trying to find a way to get rid of me anyway, so, I did not recognize that the paranoid thoughts were "all in my head". They were not, some where real, but, due to becoming toxic, my mind really went on a roll. I had a very bad doctor at that time so this went on until I came back to Reno and went to Mental Health. My doctor there was awesome, he had my primary start the lactulose and within a week, I was okay. It just was sad, to me, that I went through all that I did, I blew up and went crazy for a while.
Today, the next to the last day of the year 2013, I am still alive, still fighting, still have my mind and I suppose that is what I need to be thankful for.
With this virus, I really need to live day by day, giving thanks for each day as it passes and not making plans or looking forward.
Being sick sucks! Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I can write this blog, I can smile at people, and I can share my life, in real time.
And, that is what I am doing.