This year has flown by, the days and nights merging together, becoming one continuous hour. Sun up, sun down, twenty-four hours are one. It has been very cold in Reno this month, snow and ice cover the ground which make it hard for me to get around. I walk with a cane and am not very steady, so a slip and fall is in the works and it scares me. Not fear from falling but fear of breaking a hip and it not healing well. I do not want to be in the hospital for something so preventable! Now, I look through my windows and watch the world go by, people in a hurry, driving past with thoughts only of getting to where they are going, fast. I feel sorry for them, I used to be one of them, not having time to watch the sun peak out behind the mountains, teasing the world with a promise of warmth and light, coming up to meet the clouds in the sky, giving us day. I listen to the birds that live in my tree outside my bedroom, singing for their partners, telling them where to find the choice worms, saying good morning to each other. There are two barn owls that also live in the tree, they call out to my cats, teasing them, asking them to come out and play with them while in their minds they think "dinner".
At times like these, death leaves me alone, the pain in my body is ignored but then the thoughts of leaving all this beauty behind grabs me again and I become scared, scared of how I will die, what will happen to my son and husband, my cats, what I am going to miss out on, silly thoughts as I won't be here to worry about all that, I won't know what I am missing, I just plain will not be.
The virus is always with me; I can feel it in my body, attacking, destroying, and laughing at me. In January 2014, I am due for my six-month blood and ultra sound tests and every six months it is something new to deal with, last time was diabetes, thyroid problems, and fluid retention. The new medications help some, but with the toxic and fluid issues, not completely. Lately, I have been swelling more and been more toxic, seeing things not there, hearing things not making sounds. Now, since I understand what is causing this, I can make fun of it and laugh about it, but when it first started, I was fearful. I thought I was going crazy, losing my mind and to lose your mind, and know that you are losing it, is horrible. I felt like it was unfair, why me, why can't I get better?
It is so easy to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep, to escape from the fears, the pain, the loneliness, my bed is covered with cats and warm, furry blankets, its safe, so why not? Why not, for me, is I am running and when I run from myself, I keep catching me. It is not healthy for me or for my family. Life is what it is and I need to accept the plate I have been given. I also need to share myself with others who are traveling down this same road. I love to talk with others who are walking this road, it is healthy to connect.